A Mind Fucker.

One night, in twitterland.. One of the famous and my fave author, Raditya Dika, just tweeted quotes from Neil Gaiman’s book. At first, i thought it’s just another cheesy love quotes. I bet you’ll gonna say the same thing with me if you just read the first line.Justify Full

And then i read it till the last lines. And i was wrong. I was SO wrong. Its not just another cheesy love lines. In fact, it was one of the greatest and “MENOHOK” lines i’ve ever read. And I know its gonna stick in my memory forever.

And this is the quotes from Neil Gaiman, the Sandman no.65:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vurnerable.

It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit armor, so that nothing can hurt you.

Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didnt ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isnt your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.

So simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.”

Another mind-fucker. A mind-raper. And its stuck in my mind from yesterday till now..or maybe for forever.

Laa Tahzan, Innallaha Ma'ana

From Al Qur'an
Asy-Syura 42 (30-39)

Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because on the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness

Nor can ye frustrate (aught), (fleeing) through the earth; nor have ye, besides Allah, any one to protect or to help.

And among His Signs are the ships, smooth-running through the ocean, (tall) as mountains.
If it be His Will He can still the Wind: then would they become motionless on the back of the (ocean). Verily in this are Signs for everyone who patiently perseveres and is grateful.

Or He can cause them to perish because of the (evil) which (the men) have earned; but much doth He forgive.

But let those know, who dispute about Our Signs, that there is for them no way of escape.

Whatever ye are given (here) is (but) a convenience of this life: but that which is with Allah is better and more lasting: (it is) for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord:

Those who avoid the greater crimes and shameful deeds, and, when they are angry even then forgive;

Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular Prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance;

And those who, when an oppressive wrong is inflicted on them, (are not cowed but) help and defend themselves.

The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah: for (Allah) loveth not those who do wrong.

From Bible Psalm 102 (1-11) A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord

Hear my prayer, LORD; let my cry for help come to you.

Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress.

Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.

For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers.

My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food.

In my distress I groan aloud and am reduced to skin and bones.

I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins.

I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof.

All day long my enemies taunt me; those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

For I eat ashes as my food and mingle my drink with tears

because of your great wrath, for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.

My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass.


I'm down. I lose my way and my path. I open my cellphone and searching for the best paragraph and verve from Holy Al Quran. I asked my bestfriend about the best verve from Bible. I just need some extraordinary words to save me from my despair.

I found 'em. I cried when i read it. I dont even know what should i do next. Help me, God.

Help me.. help me to find my way to erase my pain. Or to erase my memories.

I'm too weak now. Please help me, ya Allah ya Robbi...

Letter to God

Aku capek begini terus...

Aku saja lelah dan muak dengan diriku yang setiap saat jatuh terus ke lubang yang sama berkali-kali... Bahkan mungkin sahabat-sahabatku sendiripun lelah dan muak dengan diriku.
Selalu terjebak dalam lingkaran kebodohan yang sama..

Bantu aku. Aku tahu ini jalan-Mu yang terbaik bagiku.
Tapi tolong aku untuk mengerti jalan-Mu ini. Aku bahkan berjalan dengan tidak jelas arah.

Aku terkadang lebih memilih untuk berjalan dengan menutup mata.
Jadi lebih baik aku tidak tahu semuanya, Tuhan.
Jahatkah aku ketika aku meminta balasan yang setimpal?
Jahatkah aku ketika aku meminta dirinya untuk tidak bahagia?
Jahatkah aku ketika aku meminta balasan yang lebih.
Aku lelah Tuhan...

Aku lelah dengan siklusku ini Tuhan... Dengan segala kelabilan, kerapuhan, dan kelemahanku.
Tolong kuatkan aku, Tuhan.
Kuatkan hatiku.
Kuatkan batinku.
Kuatkan pikiranku.
Kuatkan diriku.

Kuatkan aku, Tuhan...
Tolong aku..
Tolong aku ya Allah Rabbi Tuhanku..

the Fifth Month

Pernahkah kalian saat sedang melakukan sesuatu yang umum, remeh, bahkan juga yang tidak biasa, lalu saat sedang melakukan hal itu muncul visi-visi dan memori dalam pikiran kalian mengenai sesuatu yg sangat tidak sesuai, kontra, atau menyebalkan dan tidak mendukung akifitas yang sedang kalian lakukan?

Ribet yah bahasanya? Okay..lets make it simple with some of example.


Saat gw lagi nginep di rumah sahabat gw, di rumah dia gw udah dianggap seperti anak sendiri (yahh begitulah kata nyokapnya.hihi). Lalu gw lg laper dan melihat di toples ada kerupuk emping. Gw buka toples itu dan ngambil emping, kemudian gw tuangin kecap manis di atasnya. Ntah ada setan apa yang lewat, saat gw lg nuangin kecap manis di atas emping tiba-tiba di pikiran gw terlintas mengenai maccaroni seafood saos tomat.

Atau pada saat gw lagi di kondangan sodara gw, tiba-tiba wedding singernya nyanyi lagu Cintailah Aku Sepenuh Hati - Ari Lasso, Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You - George Benson, dan satu lagu pamungkasnya adalah Bila Nanti Kau Milikku - Naff. Saat itu gw sedang ketawa-ketawa dan ngerumpi sama sodara-sodara gw yang lain, dan tiba-tiba saat lagu-lagu itu diputar ekspresi wajah gw langsung berubah 180 derajat layaknya anak kecil yang ga dibeliin balon oleh nyokapnya. Sedih sesedih-sedihnya.

Dan pernah juga saat gw sedang berkunjung ke SLB YPAC dan membantu guru2 di sana ngajar, saat gw sedang bermain dengan seorang anak kecil yang lucu tiba-tiba yang terpikirkan oleh gw adalah sepatu adidas warna putih dengan garis biru-merah.

Contoh-contoh di atas itu merupakan contoh nyata dari pernyataan gw mengenai kalimat pertama gw di post kali ini.

Sebuah recall memory yang ga nyambung dengan aktifitas yang sedang gw lakukan saat itu. Emping-kecap manis VS maccaroni seafood saos tomat, Cintailah Aku Sepenuh Hati-Nothings Gonna Change My Love For You-Bila Nanti Kau Milikku VS ekspresi di kondangan, dan anak kecil di SLB YPAC VS sepatu adidas.

All of those things brings me back to you. I cooked those macaroni seafood, the songs was dedicated for me, and your shoes.

Semua serpihan-serpihan memori itu masih ada dan bercampur aduk di otak gw. Mengganggu sekali, ya…mengganggu. Super duper disturbing.

But what can i do? I'm still moving on.